To say that I have been busy lately is an understatement. It is amazing how fast my days have filled up.
Mondays - Nanny half day, Girls on the Run, Softball
Tuesdays - Nanny full day
Wednesdays - Nanny full day
Thursdays - Nanny half day, Girls on the Run, Community Group
Fridays
- nothing, thankfully--this is my day to sleep in--but I don't really
sleep in, as i usually schedule things during this day. This Friday,
for instance, is a hair appointment (WAAAAAY overdue), then lunch with
some friends.
Saturdays - Work at Old Navy, hang out with my husband
Sundays - Volunteer at Kids Club at church
I
have also been able to meet a bunch of people from church, so I have
been spending at least one night a week with someone. On Tuesday, some
girls from my women's retreat and I had dinner and then played Wizard.
All of this busy-ness has filled my days, but not
necessarily filled my heart. I miss seeing my husband, I miss playing
with my dogs, I miss photography. As much as I like a paycheck, I
really enjoyed having available time. That is completely selfish of me,
but it is true. I liked having a mostly clean house and dinner on the
table. Now, I am lucky if I can clean one room at a time and have
dinner thawed by the time Nick gets home.
Nick's mom and husband were here last week. We went
to the beach one day, and on the way home, I pulled up some
getting-to-know-you questions off the Internet. This is one of my
favorite car activities, even with people I think I know really well.
One of the questions got me thinking: "What drives you?" I like to
think my answer would be "passion", or "excitement", or "love". But my
honest answer was, "Being a financially contributing member of our
family."
It has been exhausting getting used to nannying.
Alex and I didn't have the greatest of beginnings. We are working out
the kinks piece by piece, but it has definitely been a learning process.
I have said it a bunch of times before, but I'll say it again: props
to moms. They have THE HARDEST job on the planet, and I will never take
them for granted, ever. I'm just sad I'm not able to tell my own mom.
A few days after the year anniversary of mom's
passing, I had a breakdown at nannying. Alex had a really terrible
morning. He wouldn't go to sleep, even though he needed to, and he just
screamed and screamed. I couldn't put him down, I was tired, and I
couldn't think straight. I actually had to call his mom to come back
home from work to take care of him. I was sobbing by the time she got
home. In fact, that was the only time Alex stopped crying--apparently my
tears made him curious enough to stop crying himself. I think that the
impact of mom's absence was made all the more real to me that day. It
wasn't on the day of the anniversary, it was a few days later, when all I
wanted to do in the world was call my mom and ask her for help. I was
overcome with sadness when I realized I would never be able to do that
again...not for when I'm having trouble with Alex, and not for my own
children I hope to have someday. I don't live in a sad place most of
the time. But that day, I couldn't get myself out of it. Thankfully,
Alex's mom is very understanding, and let me go home. Not a day I want
to repeat anytime soon.
Upcoming Posts:
Ohio House
Birthday
Gaydene and Nick's visit
Girls nights
Women's retreat
Mom's stone
Girls on the Run
I have had these days/moments and you will continue to have them (for at least another 4 years anyway). I am like you, not generally sad on a daily basis, but some days something happens that hits you square in the face with the reality that she is gone. Sometimes it is still hard to believe she is not here and if you ask my Dad he will tell you how many times I have called him asking for Mom without thinking.
ReplyDeleteNannying is hard! Being a Mom is hard but it's different when it is your own too. Maybe we'll just have to start calling each other for Mommy/Nannying advice. Although, you will have LOTS of people willing to try to fill in for that Mom space that is missing when the time comes. I promise you that. :)
Hang in there and know that it does get easier and these moments, while still difficult, will become more happy reminders than sad realities :)
Praying for you friend!
Hey! Just now getting around to reading your recent posts. I appreciate your honesty, Allison. Love you much.
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